T O U C H S T O N E S   O F   P A R E N T I N G

What follows is an article about parenting I have written to be of help to parents. I hope that you find it useful.

A parent's day is filled with the myriad managerial tasks that enable a family to not merely survive but to flourish. Most days consist of long lists of things to do, appointments to keep, chores to finish and activities to accomplish. In all of this, there never seems to be enough time for simply being: being with family, being with friends and being with yourself.

I have spent many hours contemplating how to live a less hectic and more balanced life--a life not filled with so many tasks, responsibilities and options. Many of these options and tasks are enjoyable and very worthwhile in and of themselves, but collectively, they become too much of a good thing. Too often I find myself having to say "no" to many of these good options in favor of saying "yes" to the more urgent ones. Life in the parenting years is a juggling act. Sometimes it is possible to keep all the balls in the air, and at other times the balls go flying in all directions. One day I can feel like "super woman extra ordinaire", and the next, like "super flop". Emotions bounce up and down and I can sometimes feel worn out and depleted simply from so much emotional change.

In my musings and readings on creating a more balanced life, I have drawn inspiration from Angeles Arien's work delineating four "pathways" of living that she has derived from her cross-cultural studies as an anthropologist. In my own musings, I have adapted these four pathways to parenthood and blended them with my perspectives as a psychologist. These four pathways or touchstones help me negotiate the sometimes treacherous path of being a parent, a woman and a professional--just to name three of the more prominent worlds in which I live.

The first touchstone is to "show up" or be present. We are often living in the past or the future and therefore the present moment flits by unnoticed. One technique for grounding ourselves in the here and now is by breathing consciously. This sounds simple, We all breathe all the time, but it is not so easy to bring our awareness to breathing in the midst of a stressful event or harried moment. Yet, if I can simply notice my breathing in a particular moment, I am able to pay attention to what is happening in the present moment. This helps me to put aside my worries, fears and stresses. By turning my attention onto my breath and noticing how it feels (am I holding it? is it quick or slow? shallow or deep?) creates the space for the present to enter my awareness uncluttered by the past or the future. This then allows me to notice how I am feeling and what is happening right in this moment. It is also a way of being more completely connected with what I am presently doing or feeling at the time. As a result, the scattered pieces of my life fit together a bit more cohesively. If I am listening to my child, I am truly listening and not thinking about the phone call I need to make. Or if I am on the phone with someone, I am not thinking about all the other phone calls I need to make. Focusing on my breath is one way to live in the present and be more fully present to each moment. In a world which constantly tells us to live more fully, this is a practical tool which is always available and can create an immediate change.

The second touchstone that helps me navigate through the churning waters of modern life is focusing on what has particular meaning and significance for me. There are countless outer voices that cry out to us every day -- the needs of our families, work demands, volunteer opportunities at schools and organizations, and our own personal needs. Often we do these things without reflection because they "need" to be done. However, if we take a moment to ask whether these things are meaningful to us, we can often reprioritize our commitments and rearrange our lives to be more fulfilling and joyous. I find that taking only a few minutes to listen to my inner voice and feel what it is in life that is calling out to me and tugging at my heart strings brings remarkable clarity and allows me to take back control of my life. If I can listen to that quiet voice inside that says "yes" or "no" and then follow it, my life has a rudder which can steer me through the many decision points that arise in a day. Then my "yeses" truly mean "yes" and my "nos" have conviction. Of course, there will be responsibilities in our lives that do not allow such a choice, other than the choice of being fully present. But even then we can choose to "show up" for these responsibilities with ourselves and our hearts.

The third touchstone that I have found helpful is telling the truth without blame or judgment of myself or others. This involves being honest with myself about what I am feeling and experiencing. It can only happen when I have been present to my situation and have listened to my inner voice. I can then speak with authenticity and with an accepting attitude. This is not always an easy matter. While it can be relatively easy to speak my "truth", it is often difficult to do so in a way that neither blames nor judges myself or others. For example, if I am feeling overwhelmed by too many undone tasks and demands, I can speak this "truth" in many different ways. The truth is that I am feeling overwhelmed. I can blame myself for this feeling by telling myself I am just not motivated or energetic enough or that I am unable to cope. I can blame my children for getting in the way of my efficiency, or I can blame others by saying they are not helping me enough. However, none of these blaming ways of perceiving my feelings of being overwhelmed lessens my sense of feeling overwhelmed, nor do they connect me with myself or others. Instead, they make me feel worse and possibly more helpless. Judgment and blame both of oneself and of others leads to further depression, anger and feelings of helplessness. Judgment and blame also pull us further from others and from our own inner voices. These feelings then make it that much more difficult to discern the truth of what we are feeling and needing. If I can instead listen to my feelings of being overwhelmed attentively enough, be present to them, and then not make myself or others out to be the "bad guy", I give myself and others space where other resolutions or possibilities can arise. Acceptance is connecting. It acts as an aqueduct bringing cool water to restore us and to those we most care about.

The fourth touchstone in life and parenting is learning not to be unduly attached to the outcome of our efforts. Again, this is not easy. Because we invest so much of who we are into our children and their development, not being attached to the outcome of this life's work is indeed an awesome task. In small efforts such as cooking a complex meal that no one appreciates, or getting everyone ready in the morning in plenty of time and still being late, or in the larger efforts such as, researching the right school for your child and not having it work out, or any of the other countless expectations and hopes that somehow go awry, the ability to let go of our attachment to a particular outcome brings peace. This concept is similar to concepts in most religious traditions and in psychological thinking -- only the terminology is different. Whatever the terminology, the meaning behind it seems essential to surviving and flourishing as parents in this complex and unpredictable world. What I call not being unduly attached to the outcomes of your efforts, others might describe as "trusting" or "letting go". If I can do what needs to be done, then there is nothing more that I can do but see what comes to fruition. If it comes out differently than I planned (and what doesn't?), how can I truly change that outcome? Given the many possible inevitable disappointments in life, being less attached to the outcome of our efforts is not so daunting an exercise after all. This is not to limit our dreams or desires, but only our unmovable expectations. When our outcomes are set in concrete, we set ourselves up for disappointment and feelings of failure both in ourselves and in our children.

A couple of illustrations may help clarify this entire process. Let us say, my baby is distressed and crying in spite of everything I have done to soothe her. Nothing I do seems to help. I could become very tense and distressed myself, thereby losing contact with myself and my child. If I can instead, in the midst of her tears and my frustration, begin to pay attention to my breathing, noticing my feelings and bodily sensations, as well as those of my child, I can begin to see and feel what is most important in these moments, that is, being with my baby in the midst of her current distress. My priorities and perspectives are immediately rearranged. Dealing with this situation without blame or judgment involves my perception of the truth of this situation which is, I feel helpless and my child is very unhappy for an unknown reason. I can choose to frame this situation in several ways. If I blame or judge myself as a bad mom, unable to cope and do the right thing to soothe my baby as I "should", I will feel worse, more helpless, depressed and guilty. These feelings certainly do not help my baby to feel any less distressed. I am then unable to be present to my baby or myself. If, instead, I decide to blame and judge my baby, I feel more and more angry at her, and I will have less and less resources available to be with this "difficult" baby. Both of these responses disconnect me from my baby and from myself. However, if I can be aware of my feelings of powerlessness and my baby's distress without blaming either one of us, then I can stay connected and more available to other options and possibilities that will undoubtedly eventually arise. As I let go of my expected outcome for that night's activities and of my desire for "the kind of happy baby I want", then I will be present and connected to the evening and baby I do have.

Let's say my child is having a problem at school. The truth is that there is a conflict or learning difficulty. If I judge myself to be a bad mother because I did not do something sooner or better, this results in greater frustration and depression on my part. If I blame my child, then I strain our connection and he or she feels "less than" or somehow defective. However, if I can accept that there is a problem and that I am feeling helpless, and so is my child, by not yielding to blame, I can remain connected and more available to solutions or avenues of help. If I can notice my breathing and remember what is most important and meaningful in this situation, I can maintain an accepting attitude and be open to what results. As I let go of my own expectations of myself and my child new solutions will inevitably arise and the situation, whatever it is, will eventually resolve itself.

It is only possible to arrive at this inner perspective of openness to outcome if the three previous guideposts are integrated into life. When we are present in the moment more fully, listening to our hearts for what is meaningful to us, and then speaking this truth with self- and other-acceptance, then it is possible to be open to the many possibilities and outcomes -- even if they are not in our plan books. And ultimately, when all is said and done, what other choice do we really have?

Marcia A. Wesley, Psy.D.

Phone: 425.882.0127